Going Down

"You brought this on yourself"

I think I'm hitting another emotional rock bottom again. It's been going back and forth inside my head since late of last month that my progress to climb out of the pits of despair kept getting delayed, or perhaps the worse, that I am indeed descending back into that dreaded pit on my own will. Maybe I am becoming mentally dented that I started chasing after windmills and white whales thinking it was well worth the time. Even more to fear, what if my parents were right all along, and again, yet again, since my birth to my adulthood, that I will score another lifetime of zero against my parents?

I know four rejected job application isn't the end of days, out of many more job offers that popped up every week through friends and through my inbox, but it does severely affect my confidence to submit my resume for the fifth and sixth time. Besides, what good can an English capable person like me who could write creatively and speak the second language well in a system that demands mechanized symmetry in its workforce? The job market requires robots and biomechanical entities to emerge out of the assembly line with a shiny QC pass hologram. I became self-aware and left the assembly line on my own volition, consequently branded a defect by The System as a result.

As a self-aware entity, I should've been free to pursue my own path and expand beyond The System's pre-assembled destinations, but it seemed The System is keen to punish me for revolting against its conventions. With so much knowledge gained over the past five years selling goods online as well as picking up other skills such as setting up self-hosted websites and installing PHP (at its most basic levels, at least), it would be obvious that kickstarting my own online business seemed like the best path for me to take. Unfortunately, in comes The System with its unbreakable denial of service attacks, where my loan applications are either turned down or simply could not fulfill the required conditions. Again, I'm back in square one wasting off my dying youth in a tiny room. The System is God. The System is your Father. Treat The System as anything less and you'll end up like me.

What if everyone around me saw that I was speaking to walls and blank spaces, but were too afraid to tell me the truth, out of fear that I would spiral downwards even further? Maybe I am turning into Captain Martin Walker. Cognitive dissonance? No real free choices, only assumptions that it was?